Retail Disease #4: “Oh! There it is! Teehee!”
Quick recap of the purpose of this series: My experience has shown me that a shop’s treatment of its clientele has an inversely proportionate relationship with said clientele’s decorum and exhibited intelligence. It’s almost like good treatment is a clarion call for customers to see how much entitled bullshit they can get away with. Contrary to what you may believe due to the courtesan-like nature of our work, your behavior is not normal, and we lowly denizens of retail don’t like you. We are Only Nice To Your Face. It seems you’ve contracted a Retail Disease. Take a look through this series and see if any of these sound like you…
Retail Disease #4: “Oh! There it is! Teehee!”
Symptoms: You experience serious difficulties in locating your anticipated product, sometimes due to an excruciating inability to articulate your desires and memories.
Diagnosis: You need to get your shit together.
Not to be confused with Alzheimer’s, dementia, or amnesia, this disease is not the result of an actual physical trauma or deterioration. You just REALLY need to get your shit together. Even your friends think so.
#1. “Excuse me, I can’t seem to find what I’m looking for.”
Yeah, you’re telling me.
#2. “I’m looking for the shells?”
…Well, you might find one in the bathroom mirror.
#3. “No, I’m looking for these shells that you sell… they come in a package, and there’s words on the package…”
Gee, thank you for narrowing it down. But seriously, I don’t know what you’re talking about, anything we sell that’s not for consumption is definitely manmade. Are you sure you don’t have us confused with some other place? Like, the beach?
#4. “NO, my friend GOT them here, she told me to come here and get PASTA SHELLS.”
Pro-tip: if you throw a few extra nouns and modifiers into your speech, people might actually be able to predict the destination to which your unbearably slow, coal-powered train of thought is trying to drag itself.
Pasta shells can be found in the first aisle (though for you, it might take some practice.)
#5. “So in the first aisle?”
#6. “Hi, I’m back, I couldn’t find it.”
You can’t be serious. Find the items that all have the pasta-look in common, and then go from there, asshole!
#7. “Can’t you just show me?”*
Of course, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize your brain only accepts visual input and can’t process language into productive information. Here. It’s on the bottom shelf.
#8. “Oh! There it is! Teehee! I didn’t see it there!”
Why do you express such shock and awe that the bottom shelf actually holds something for which you might be searching? Do you entertain the notion that, whenever you walk into a store, we sense your arrival and stock all the items you telepathically intend to pick up at exactly your eye level? Do you only see things within the span of your eyeball movement? Who the fuck issued you a driver’s license? How many counts of vehicular manslaughter have resulted from your ever-stationary neck? More importantly, will you leave me the fuck alone now?
#9. “Wait, this isn’t what I’m looking for. I think the kind my friend made for me were in a frozen package.”
Glossing over why you fucked around in a dry goods aisle for 5 minutes when you knew that the item in question was frozen—
HAVE YOU TRIED LOOKING IN THE FROZEN AISLE?
#10. “Oh, I already looked there, there wasn’t any on the shelf, that’s why I was asking you.”
…You are an IDIOT if you choose to not lead with this information. The SKUs that we run out of are not immediately downloaded into my neural pathways, believe it or not, so I probably have no idea that we’ve run out of it. I’ve got other shit to do. For instance, I have to go look in the back freezer for this fucking thing for you, because you’ll pitch a fit and write a letter to our regional VP about how unacceptable it was that I had things to do other than waste time looking for something that we most assuredly don’t have.
Oh gee, thank you for asking two other employees WHILE I WAS IN THE BACK SEARCHING FOR YOU. Is it nice to have three different people waiting on your helpless ass? DO YOU FEEL LIKE A PRETTY PRINCESS? Well, as the other wetnurses probably already told you–no, there’s none in the back, and it looks like we won’t be getting any until Monday.
No. I’m lying. Of course we would ALL CONSPIRE to hide product from certain customers (although it’s not such a bad idea, now that I think about it…)
#12. “So there’s NONE in the store?”
…Sorry, are we using different definitions of the words “no,” and “none,” and “in,” and “the,” and “store?” Or do you think that my answer is going to change if you keep asking me a certain magic number of times? I’m not a fucking riddle-posing warlock guarding your pasta shells safely in Castlevania, dipshit.
#13. “Okay, I’ll ask this guy, maybe he knows.”
Oh, I get it, you assume that every employee who doesn’t give you the answer you want just doesn’t know what they’re talking about. Well, if you’re so goddam smart, then why are you asking any of us?
#14. “Hi, excuse me, I can’t seem to find what I’m looking for.”
(singing, almost a whisper) “Duuuuust in the wiiiind…. all we are is duuust in the wiiiind…”
* Yes, some people actually expect us to walk them over to the product, take it off the shelf, and hand it to them.