Retail Disease #3: “Joan, hiiiiiiiii!”

Quick recap of the purpose of this series:  My experience has shown me that a shop’s treatment of its clientele has an inversely proportionate relationship with said clientele’s decorum and exhibited intelligence.  It’s almost like good treatment is a clarion call for customers to see how much entitled bullshit they can get away with.  Contrary to what you may believe due to the courtesan-like nature of our work, your behavior is not normal, and we lowly denizens of retail don’t like you.  We are Only Nice To Your Face. It seems you’ve contracted a Retail Disease.   Take a look through this series and see if any of these sound like you… 

Retail Disease #3:  “Joan, hiiiiiii!”

Symptoms: You exhibit a marked attachment to your shopping trolley, leading to fantastic traffic jams that appear to cause you no concern.  In serious cases, the cart will actually fuse with the patient’s hand and become an extension of their person, making simple actions like backing up extremely dangerous.

Diagnosis: You are completely fucking oblivious.

Given its ubiquity, it is common to think that being completely fucking oblivious is not that serious.  However, it is important to remember that this same condition can cause fatalities when active under different circumstances, such as while driving an automobile, organizing foodstuffs and household chemicals, or caring for children.  While many patients respond positively to a swift kick in the ass, this method of treatment is controversial and has not drawn acceptance from most store managers.



#1.  “I need a cart.”

Really?  You come at me saying something that mind-numbingly stupid, and “a cart” is what tops your list of Things You Need?

#2.  “I mean, where are the shopping carts?”

If you cannot locate.

The section of property.

Dedicated to the housing of shopping carts.

In any given grocery store.

You should not be in public by yourself.

There is a blind customer who shops at our store fairly regularly.  She knows where the shopping carts are.

#3.  “Um, exi-YOOze me, but I found the place where the shopping carts go, and it was EMPTY.”

Geez, I’m sorry.  I guess you assholes should start putting the carts back where they belong after you’re done using them.

#4.   “Well, I mean, it’s easier to just leave the cart about five feet from where I parked.  And closer.”

Funny you should say that; did you happen to see at least one cart “about five feet from where you parked?”

#5.  “Um.  Oh.  Okay, I found one.  But I’m going to complain to your manager about their not being any carts in the designated cart zone, because I get upset when things don’t fit within my simplistic paradigm.”

Um, do you really think you can find the manager?

#6.  “Tell me where your manager is.”

 Okay, he’s at the front of the store counting the drawers, his name’s—

#7.  “Joan, hiiiiiiii!”

—Um, no, his name’s not Joan.

#8.  “How are you Joan?!  So good to see you, have you lost weight??!?”

Ah, fuck.

#9.  “I know, there weren’t ANY shopping carts in the thing.  Do you believe how CROWDED it is in here?”

Um yeah, it’s CROWDED because you and your stupid friend Joan have decided to diagonally park your carts in the middle of the aisle.  Could you maybe just move your cart to the side and try your best to keep it parallel to the shelves so people can get around you idiots?

#10.  “Sure.  Oh my God, Joan, have you tried these?  I can’t seem to remove my hand from the cart handle for some reason, so let me just step to the side of my cart and stretch my other arm all the way across the narrow aisle to show you this thing that I want to show you, and let’s both definitely stay in this position as we compare and contrast it to other items on this shelf, because nothing is going on around us and we are the only people in the universe.”

Pardon me, please?  There are a lot of people trying to get by.  Excuse me.  Sorry, could I get by?  Hello?

#11.  “Oh my God, free samples!  Let me just whip my cart around without looking—”


#12.  “Oops, sorry!  Teehee!”

No, it’s fine, it’s only that tiny bone in my right elbow, besides, having sensation in all the fingers of my dominant hand was kind of a drag anyway.

#13.  “Um, hi, excuse me, I’m done?  Can you ring me up now?”

Sure…  is there anything else I can get you today?

#14.  “No, that’s it.”

So you used a shopping cart when all you needed was two bananas and a bottle of fizzy water.

#15.  “Yep.  The carts give me something to lean on!”

Oh.  Do you have a physical condition or injury?

#16.  “Nope!” 

…Uh-huh.  Okay, well, I’m going to put this bag containing two items back into your shopping cart so you can wheel your two items back to your car.  Thanks for shopping with us.

#16.  “Oh, I can just carry the bag, I don’t need the cart.”

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?  You sure seemed to need it when you came in.

#17.  “No, really, it’s fine, I’ll just leave it for you in front of your register so all your other customers can’t get around it, you’re welcome!”

Um, I don’t know if you noticed, but we’re about as crowded as a porn star’s asshole, could you PLEASE just take out the fucking cart?

#18.  “I don’t know where the carts go.”

Gosh, me neither.

Why don’t you try in the middle of fucking traffic?



About OnlyNiceToYourFace

Sick of your bullshit.

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