Retail Disease #2: “Can I Have Another One?”
Quick recap of the purpose of this series: My experience has shown me that a shop’s treatment of its clientele has an inversely proportionate relationship with said clientele’s decorum and exhibited intelligence. It’s almost like good treatment is a clarion call for customers to see how much entitled bullshit they can get away with. Contrary to what you may believe due to the courtesan-like nature of our work, your behavior is not normal, and we lowly denizens of retail don’t like you. We are Only Nice To Your Face. It seems you’ve contracted a Retail Disease. Take a look through this series and see if any of these sound like you…
Retail Disease #2: “Can I have another one?”
Symptoms: Upon arriving at the sample station, you begin making special demands of an employee whom you almost certainly do not plan on tipping.
Diagnosis: You suffer from hallucinations, most often manifesting as fantasies that you are in a restaurant or have a personal chef.
While experiencing hallucinations sounds serious, it is more important to identify the root cause of these delusions rather than simply treating the illness itself. The possible causes are many, and can include undeserved entitlement, a shitty upbringing, or even frequenting a store that forces its employees to put up with your shit.
#1. “Hey, can I have one? Excuse me, are the samples ready, I want one.”
Do NOT fucking hassle me. You don’t need to ask. The samples are ready when they’re on the goddam plate.
#2. “It’s just that I’ve been standing here a while.”
So YOU choose to stand around and waste your own time in front of an empty sample plate, staring holes into the busy person trying to get it all together, and somehow that’s on ME? What do you want, an apology and a full refund for the $0.00 you spent on the free food that you didn’t get? What the fuck makes you think that you are OWED free shit? If it’s really so important to you, here’s an idea: fuck off for a few minutes and THEN come back, you tool.
#3. “Oh look, the samples are ready, let me say that as loudly as possible to alert all the other idiots in the store so we can form a hungry horde of expectation and disapproval around you. Speaking of which, can I have more sauce on mine?”
No, fuck off.
#4. “Why not?”
Because when you’re offered something for free, you don’t dictate the terms, idiot.
#5. “But they do it at a restaurant!”
Are you saying that I should customize free samples for people when I am untipped, or are you accidentally admitting that you don’t tip at restaurants?
#6. “Well, why don’t you just put more sauce on ALL of them?”
You know, if the quality of this FREE SAMPLE is so inferior, then why don’t you just not eat it and not involve me in your miserable existence?
#7. “No, it’s mine, I want it, give me one. Wait, hold on, what is it?”
Look at the display product RIGHT NEXT TO THE SAMPLE PLATE, dumbass.
#8. “Oh. What’s in it?”
Read the ingredients, idiot.
#9. “I forgot my glasses.”
Well, I forgot to give a fuck.
#10. “Is it vegan?”
Yes. This chicken parmesan is vegan. Obviously.
#11. “Is this kosher/halal/fair trade? I can’t eat it if it’s not kosher/halal/fair trade.”
Yeah, it’s kosher/halal/fair trade. And now I will wait for the invisible force-field to prevent the non-kosher/halal/fair trade food from entering your mouth. (Hasn’t happened yet.)
#12. “Can I have another one?”
No, fuck off.
#13. “But I’m hungry!”
Are you homeless?
Gee, it’s too bad there’s NO FOOD ANYWHERE IN SIGHT FOR YOU TO BUY. IN A GROCERY STORE.
#15. “This is too spicy, do you have any water for me?”
Um, sure, we sell nice purified water. In bottles.
#16. “Well, yeah, normally I spare no effort in letting you know that I deserve only the finest in quality in all things, but in this case, I’ll take some shitty-ass tap water if it means I get to watch you follow orders from me. Also, it means I don’t have to pay for anything.”
I don’t have tap water back here.
There’s some in the bathroom.